What if I Can't Release?
The Pisces full moon approaches along with the ubiquitous posts emphasizing release, letting go, and moving forward in the direction of your dreams.
The words appear to offer gilded promises of freedom, joy, iridescent moonbeams and alas, an idealized version of YOU. Ridding yourself of habits, relationships, all the BAGGAGE sounds esoteric and empowering amidst your conversations with women “who get it.”
So what’s the plan when you leave your tumeric lattes and find yourself alone, faced with the sleeping giant of dissatisfaction you have skillfully prodded?
The evaluation begins “Am I exaggerating, maybe I’m being too demanding.” You look for a way to make it your fault, because if it’s your fault, you can control it. What if no one is to blame. It just is what it is. A blanket acceptance of your and everyone else’s humanity, and the truth that we are all doing as best we can in any given moment. All this forgiveness and gratitude for what is and now instead of nurturing your proverbial bag of rocks, you are invited to simply drop it.
Choosing to forgo blame brings letting go to the dance, and she is a complex partner, elusive and mysterious. Quickly assembling a few dramatic escape strategies in under a minute, you arrive at the core of all adulting, itl comes down to you. I have been in the fun house of “I cannot let go- I don’t like option B either, and I don’t know how,” or worse, I simply refuse. Are you a fraud, condemned to suffering, your path to enlightenment disintegrating with every doubt crawling to the surface. I think not, my dear, but I honor the holy terror that the concept of release, especially when it is your move, evokes. We are taught that constriction affords safety, everybody knows what everybody is doing or should be doing. Space, that is risky. A lot can happen in that free for all. You can be left alone.
We are told timelessly where we hold on is precisely where we need to let go. It’s human extinct- better to dance with devil you know that take a risky chance encounter in the pale moonlight. You know this disappointment, heartbreak, betrayal, in fact you have a storied history and a neat little package of patterning around this pain. But let it go? How? What does that even look like? The process of detachment is unique for each person in method and cadence. I will share that I have tried everything from the slow withdrawal, to the rip off the band- aid approach. Each provoked even more pain, because I limited my choices by limiting my perspective. In order to truly release what no longer supports my integrity, present self, or vision I have to understand how it is serving me. This illumination is critical when there is strong dependence and resistance. The adage that you can not get where you want to go by hating where you are rings true. Softness here, take a moment to see how hard you’ve been working to do this life thing- your struggle has been very real.
Goodbyes are hard. I never wanted to accept that people, situations, opportunities come when they are supposed to and leave in the same Divine timing. It is tempting to place scenarios and people, oh yes, especially people, high on pedestals in moments of exaltation. Its even more convenient to push them off, when we become displeased with our external reality and want the momentary high associated with a game of scape goat. It’s damn hard, to accept that we have simply changed, that we’ve outgrown a relationship or commitment. What about the time, the entanglements? How is this going to look now? The truth is we simply do not know. And that is ok. Being in the moment, uncomfortable as hell fantasizing about retreating to your bedroom and shutting yourself away is a normal reaction to change. It is one of your options. The beauty is in your choice. You do not have too feel like a failure for one Holy second because you are in pain and don’t have an answer. Your greatness is in your compassion for yourself and willingness to hold onto your dreams of the YOU that you feel emerging from your bones. I believe the balm is not abandoning yourself in the self loathing that FEAR uses to coerce you into its shroud.
To each of us on the verge of becoming the butterfly, there are more options than black or white. Your release does not need to mean excommunication. Perhaps we can try taking our energy back from a paralyzing attachment to a particular outcome. In that space of allowance, healing can begin and a genuine step towards the love that is always held for you. A miracle is a change in perspective. the rate is to your comfort and the simple act of awareness often yields kinder results. The first step is simply acknowledging that a time for change has come. For some of us, that is enough in this moment.